Friday, December 25, 2009
Pope Threatens Security Cardinals and Irish 'bishop bitches' after Midnight Xmas Lesbian Kicking
Pope Benny Dick has slammed his security cardinals during a meeting in Vatican City early this morning, after last night's X-mas kicking and in the light of reports of wide-spread child abuse by Catholic priests in Ireland, along with several sackings of Irish bishops.
Flanked by two menacing Swiss Guards who had exchanged their traditional pikes for knuckle-dusters, the Hitler youth trained Benny Dick, continued his tradition of addressing audiences in their respective vernaculars, telling the cardinals: "I should open up a can of whup-ass on each and every one of you for this security breach last night"
The enraged pontiff then made it clear to several more Irish Bishops in Rome fearing the sack that he himself was in charge of security from now on by warning in a heavy Irish accent, "You'se better listen to da Holy Faddah and not cross me agen"
With help from his long-time English language coach, Father Messimo Gaga, the Pope prepared for his next Irish meetings to sack more Irish bishops by watching several Irish films including The Commitments, Butcher Boy and Michael Collins, it was revealed.
According to an inside source the Pope was in no mood for excuses. When Cardinal Brady of Ireland, attempted to explain the cover up of high profile Paedophile Catholic's in a conference call, the pontiff interrupted: "Button it Paddy or I'll come over there and plant my slippered-foot, so far up your ass, your poteen breath will smell like silk."
The outpouring of blasphemous phuks, scheißes, cant and barstewards, continued for over three hours but church scholars say this sort of harangue is unheard of before in bavarian guttural accent and speculated that his groin was still swollen from last nights kicking after midnight x-mas mass by a gay person and that he must be in excruciating pain, even worse than his banking buddy Berlusconi.
According to the Vatican's chief archivist Father Umbrato Spitcalata: "The Irish bishops got off easy with just a couple of sackings and a 3 hour rant. Pope Sextus IV once yelled so continuously and ferociously during an ecclesiastical council, that he lost his voice and asked Tomas de Tarquemuda to take over for a few days. Let me tell you, we'll end up with a few extra red skull caps by the time this one is all over, if you know what I mean."
Some Irish Bishops emerged defiant however. Despite the dogma of the Pope's infallibility, one bishop who asked not to be named, said he thought that the "litany of threatened ass-punishments was counter-productive, particularly with Irish clergy and Opus Dei".
Others Irish bishops showed concern over the Pope's use of such coarse and foul language. More than one bishop wondered aloud, if perhaps Benny Dick's English language coach, might not be having a little fun at the expense of the mentally enfeebled 82 year old pontiff, or perhaps his language teacher was an ex-BBC employee, where that sort of thing is prevalent among the editor commoners who work there.
One Irish Bishop complained that the security breach wasn't their fault and perhaps the arrogant barsteward deserved to be bitch slapped or get a right good kickin, for being such a gobshite, constantly waffling on about condoms and sexuality.
Attempts by the IrishBlog at continuing the interview or further investigation into the matter, quickly ran into trouble, when several large men in pinstriped suits and carrying violin cases warned, "There'sa nuttin to-a see here-a, so va fan*gul or-a you be-a sleep wid da fishes like God's banker! " Attempts to interview Lord Londonderry on the matter also failed, on the basis of dissident journalists being unwelcome by his PSNI, born again virgin RUC minders.