Wednesday, September 16, 2009


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A bit late, but here’s a revisionist take on Squinter, Slugger and the MI5 deal.

Another super exclusive on the transcript of a conversation, on an underwater cable between London/Derry, that led to more statements emphasising that MI5 and the PSNI will have nothing to do with each other. Ever, ever, ever. Both are using their underwater names.

Mullah: Maggot, it’s about this MI5 headquarters up Holywood direction.

Maggot: Will you shut up about that?

Mullah: Calm down, Maggot, it’s all over the internet. These spooks are up front about everything now.

Maggot: Oh, right. What can I do for you, Mullah?

Mullah: Well,I need help selling this policing thing, the natives are not buying it, if you could make sure that there’s no more monkey business between the PSNI and MI5.

Maggot: Monkey business?

Mullah: Swapping information on Catholics, psy-ops, setting people up, spying on politicians, dirty tricks, collusion, murder, shoot to kill, torture, that sort of thing.

Maggot: Fine, no problem, I’ll ring them now and tell them they’re to stay away from us.

Mullah: You think that’ll do the trick?

Mullah: MI5 and the PSNI are not the kind who’d do things they’re not supposed to. You know that, Mullah.

Mullah: Promise?

Maggot: Piggy promise.

Mullah: How about we put a sign up on the new building saying ‘Visitors and Deliveries Only. No M15 Past This Point’?

Maggot: Splendid idea, Mullah. We’ll put one up at my place and just round the corner at Knock as well. How’d that be?

Mullah: Maggot, that’d be a big help. (Silence…) Maggot?

Maggot: Yes, Mullah?

Mullah: None of the PSNI and MI5 would go sneaking behind our backs, would they?

Maggot: Perish the thought, fella. Those days are over. We’re all singing from the one hymn sheet on our side on this one. Our lads are all delighted at the prospect of you as Deputy First Minister.

Mullah: Really? Aahh, that’s so sweet.

Maggot: You just put any idea of secret phone calls, clandestine meetings, unauthorised operations, star chambers, inner circles and scheming juntas out of that silly little head of yours.

Mullah: Okay, Maggot, and thanks.

Maggot: Don’t mention it, Mullah. By the way, are you getting a funny noise on your line too?

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