Before these Politicians make us all crazy, lets have a lighter look at:
An Average Loyalist Emigrant Family Somewhere West of Boston;
Fenian women have more sex, better sex and sex with more people while orange women are ordinary. Fenian women are famous and totally satisfied as women, according to a leading psychologist, who claims that this recent information is pushing certain loyalist poiticians over the edge.There are rumours that the former President of Ireland has recruited the wife of a loyalist politician to come out of the closet and be the next President of Ireland.
Recent revelations by busty Newry bombshell that she leads a wild sex life, including having sex on a jet ski with a human pyramid of eleven extravagantly endowed neuks in Warenpoint, has led many orange women who are regular readers of this blog, to ask: "Why are Fenian bitchy celebrities so much better at sex than me?"
Indeed, other queries range from "Why am I never totally satisfied as an orange woman?" to "Why have I never had torrid intercourse in a bath of alpaca milk aboard a private jet, which left me bow-legged for a month?" to others seeking medical attention in sheer frustration. In fact it is believed that the wife of one loyalist politician has come out of the closet over the festive season, because of an unfulfilling sexual life. However according to the psychologist her answer is simple: Fenian women are more expert in matters of love than their ordinary, less talented orange female counterparts.
While the average elected orange woman might enjoy one or two gusset-moistening incidents a year, if she's lucky and three or four moderate orgasms during her useful reproductive life, fenian women are able to bring themselves to shattering climax simply by looking at photos of their bi-sexual partners. They are rarely less than totally satisfied as women, are able to accommodate the most hideously empurpled member, discharging literally buckets of fenian man juice and, of course, have the added advantage that they are invariably equally attracted to other women, thereby adding another few million potential partners, with whom they might engage in steamy romps on quad bikes or in the toilets of the fenian political buses, etc, etc.
Sadly, there is little hope that mere orange mortals will ever ascend to such heights of sexual fulfilment.They can, however, allow themselves to dream that one day they too might join the fenian top seven in our alphabetical compilation of the world's greatest exponents of the Art of Love, without whom the blogging press would be a very sorry affair indeed.
Bernadette McGinn: Originally from South Armagh, talented, beautiful, rich and wetter between the legs than Phuket, in the Monsoon season. Ms McGinn has twice had her charms thrust into the public domain, once when she appeared romping with her squeeze in a night-vision hotel room orgy of video lust, and once again when her private mobile phone snaps splattered across the web like a month's worth of Colin Farrell's tantric ejaculate. Can orgasm by simply thinking about a Balaclava.
Mairead originally from Dungannon: Mairead recently rocked the media world to the very foundations on which it rests, when she revealed that not only did she like a bit of girl-on-girl, but that she was also a certified expert in the matter and able to reduce a whimpering female partner to a state of tremulous, post-orgasmic ecstasy by simply looking at her from a distance of 20 feet. Less talented actresses admit they are completely in awe of Mairead's prowess in both the boudoir and on the silver screen. Mairead has refused to co-operate with the DUP in any manner what so ever.
Siobhain Semtex: The Newry bombshell began life as a sexually-average Derrybeg girl but quickly transformed herself into an insatiable, Up Down sex machine soon after her first Reporter exposé. Siobhain left in her wake a wreckage trail of exhausted GAA footballers and Armagh team managers, none of whom managed to match her voracious appetite for rumpy-pumpy. Has been a bit quiet of late, although we should never rule out a multi-orgasmic tabloid come-back should circumstances require it.
Mary: Young Mary made the Guinness Book of Records at the tender age of 24 as the first person in Ireland to have had sex with absolutely every fenian in the country, a feat made doubly impressive by the fact that she spends half of her time flashing her tits outside Derry nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi. Now a "happily married mum" who only occasionally finds time for a quick spit roast between bouts of washing nappies and polishing her breasts.
Maggie : rival of Mary is considered the archetypal Tyrone lass, bow-legged and more packed with cream than a deluxe, family-sized can of aerosol whipped cream. She has, however, shown herself to be a canny operator:, while Mary spent her time flashing her Udders outside Derry's nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi, Maggie spent half of her time flashing hers as research for her doctoral thesis into sex, celebrity, and the tabloid press. Now professor of Media Studies at University, Maggie divides her time between grading exam essays and giving hand relief to her more well-endowed fenian students while enjoying a virtually endless stream of earth-shattering climaxes.
Ms. Vaseline: Pretty much the same as Mary, although young Mary never, to our knowledge, presented the weather for the benefit of UTV viewers. If she had, she would doubtless have appeared completely naked and having volcanic sex with the producer atop a camera dolly, leaving herself completely satisfied as a woman and the audience in no doubt as to the meaning of "warm front". Very fond of making refererence to "Croppy meatballs" while suggestively sucking on the testicles of someone called Patrick.
Miss Givings: The former girlfriend of a Devil-worshipping fenian politician, exploded onto the six county celebrity sex scene by appearing in a video which demonstrated advanced fellatio techniques for wannabe celebs. Has since appeared in 4,200 men's magazines across Ireland, invariably promising to have sex with every single politician were it not for her punishing schedule of accidentally flashing her reproductive parts outside Belfast nightclubs for the benefit of baying paparazzi. Known to have sex at least 70 times a day, pausing only to dictate her orgasmic excesses into a tape recorder for later transcription in Politician's Maximum Health. Truly the doyenne of celebrity Fenian sexperts.
In case anyone assumes I am making light of far more serious matters in Ireland right now, I have already explained that I sometimes have to look at the lighter side of life as a relief from the overwhelming, injustices of the real world.
"homosexuality is “viler” than child sex abuse," said Iris Robinson Westminster MP and wife of First Minister to the Queen in Ireland. At least she had the decency to resign admitting she has mental issues. On the other hand, Gerry Adams MP said he believed the allegations which he heard in 1987 and that if he knew the whereabouts of his brother, he would have informed the PSNI/RUC, so that Liam Adams could face the charges. It has since been proven with photographic evidence and reliable witnesses, that Mr Adams knew exactly where his brother was and therefore colluded in the cover up, just like the bishops who have been forced to resign.
Traditional republicans are demanding that Adams resign immediately. An issue regarding the protection of vulnerable children in society, is far too serious a matter for any responsible leader to lie about or be involved in a cover up.